you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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