new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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