In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
