I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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