You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
