Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
