There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize