thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
