I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
