How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize