im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
