Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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