Moan for me like Helen Keller
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
