Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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