Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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