did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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