Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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