The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
