it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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