Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
