you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
