I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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