my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
