Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize