Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
