I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
