Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
