hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
