I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
