Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
