Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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