At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize