I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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