Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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