My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I looked at my own cervix.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize