When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize