Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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