we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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