i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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