i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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