Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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