My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
