i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
