i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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