this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm like, not good at living.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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