My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
