i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize