i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
