I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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