I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
