I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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