I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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