youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize