he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
