So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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