help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
