Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
