Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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