oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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