if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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