I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
