Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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