I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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