I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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