Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
