brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
