Even water is tasting like jack daniels
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
