I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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