They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
