Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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