Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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