We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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