Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
